My emotions have been all over the place of late.
If I have offended you, I am sorry. I was not trying to, but I am sincerely sorry.
Coming to terms with an illness, allowing another person to be there for you and dropping that last portion of wall you had up (but forgot was there) is a lot to process and work through.
Yesterday I had a talk with a friend and we definitely didn't see eye to eye, but I love her anyway and hope we can mend the fence and move forward.
I had an epiphany last night.
I have done nothing but worry, stress, get sad, fake being glad and keep busy since the 11th of November. I must have looked like a mule with blinders on not to see what blessings I have been surrounded with all along.
Unconditional love is not something I grew up around. It was a foreign subject to me. I heard about it in a few sermons about how God loves us no matter what. In my brain, it just didn't make sense.
Because all the adults and people in authority in my life (Prior to March of 2015) wanted something from me or me to behave/speak in a certain way to get their love, affection and attention.
It was just a concept in church to me because I certainly never had it in my real life.
I knew I loved my children/grandchildren with every fiber of my being. No matter what my son/daughter have going on, I made sure every week they knew I was there for them, thinking about them, supporting them in words, sending packages and money when I was able. But I never turned my back on my children. When they suffer a loss, or have something great happen, I stand with them no matter what.
In this respect, I knew what it was to love unconditionally. I also know that I kept my wedding vows in my past even though my exes didn't think it was required. One even laughed in my face when I said the vows were supposed to mean something.
With my illness, I am not always 'good' to be around. But I do my best to keep my commitments. The past 10 days, I have had anxiety attacks and second thoughts and bailed on several things. I apologized and went on. I figure no one really cares if I show up or not (yep, there is the depression talking!)
Here is where I get a bit mushy and may annoy some of you.... (stop reading if you wish, you were warned).
I realized last night after David went to sleep as I walked through the house just how blessed I am.
At 46 years of age, I am in a great relationship that works.
We are mindful of each other, we take care of each other and we tell each other everything.
I broke down in tears in my living room last night in front of the Christmas Tree and said Thank You Father.
This is David and I's second Christmas together and we just are so happy to be together, to share our hopes, dreams, meals, and even a burnt Chocolate Pie now and then.
I realized it is high time that I embrace this love I have been showered with and just flat out enjoy this time. My poor brain is so used to worrying that I will have to reprogram it.
Love the ones with you, Love the ones that support you and Love the ones that make you check yourself now and then.
Let go of the people that hurt you, abuse you, belittle you, and take advantage of you. No one should withhold conversations and information just because you go to different churches. No one has the right to put you down and you have EVERY right to eliminate them from your life.
I don't usually advocate running away but you need distance between those that hurt you, bring up the past and are always nasty/hateful with you. They are toxic and of no good use to you. Even Jesus told the disciples there comes a point where you shake the dust off your feet and move on.