Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Resting in Trust

Starting over is difficult no matter who you are or what your status may be.

Starting over and giving a new person a chance to hurt your heart is very difficult when you have been abused, mis-treated and hurt for many years over several relationships.

I lived in fear for years that if/when I took the time to make plans an hour from home with old friends that I would have to make sure the kids were situated and that my spouse at the time was "okay" with me being out of the house for a while.

If I dared to stay too long then it was nothing out of the ordinary for him to take off on his own trip to see his friends and cancelling any plans we might have had as a couple or family that evening. This happened over and over and I always apologized and became more and more of a hermit. This became such a life habit for me that I never left the house for more than 2 hours at a time and always while he was at work.

I was not allowed to go out after work or stop somewhere on the way home. My job was to go to work, rush home, fix his dinner, iron his uniform and keep the house straight so he was "in a good mood" to go to work. I basically stopped having a life and had to beg for any time away from home.

I even quit doing my PartyLite shows away from our home county so that I would not be far away.  It took me years to wake up and see how he was controlling me and the double standard that was in play. It was completely normal for him to go off with his friends, take off for the weekend or go out after his shift was over and do whatever he wanted. And if I questioned where he was or got worried about him, I was told I was being crazy and I was in the wrong and again forced to apologize to keep the peace at the house.

Thankfully this extremely abusive and toxic relationship is behind me and a part of my past.

This all came to my mind while driving this weekend. An old friend from elementary school was in the Middle TN area and I was going to get to at least have lunch with her and catch up. I was so excited.

It dawned on me Friday night that David was not angry or upset that I was going to spend time with an old friend. He was happy for me! His only concern was the drive time and told me to have a great visit with my friend. This was a huge eye opener for me and just one of many reasons I can relax and just be myself at this point in my life.

All of the plans got changed up on Saturday with my friend Martha, but we did get to meet and have lunch after all these years of not seeing each other since 1984.So at the end of Saturday, I had seen my friend and was home relaxing when David got home from work. His day had been crazy but once he got home, he got to relax and turn off the business for a while.

I am so blessed and thankful that I am in a great place these days. Life is not perfect, but we are going through it day by day together knowing we have each other's back no matter what life throws at us.

I am so glad I took the chance to trust someone again and let someone in my life, my heart and to see the raw, real Maryann.

Keep believing and trusting God to take care of you because He will take care of you always (if you let him in).

If you are in danger, seek help by calling 1-800-799-7233 or your local shelter. There is always help, but you have to swallow your pride and ASK for the help! Many of the volunteers at shelters, have been where you are and will listen and help you.