Friday, April 1, 2016

Fear

We all face fear and deal with it in our own way.

For a while after I was laid off in 2008, I was afraid to leave the house and it was a huge thing if I got out of the house and went any farther than the little coffee shop in White Bluff.

Then I nearly destroyed my business because I was afraid not to be home when my spouse was at home. He wanted me home when he was home and I lived (if you can call that living) with a fear that if I wasn't at home that he would not come home from work. That did not stop the affairs, the manipulation or any of those things. It took me a long time to realize that his manipulation of me was a form of abuse.

It got to the point that I would be invited out by friends and would refuse to go because I was afraid of going places or doing things without my spouse with me. This was a horrible way to live. He certainly did what he wanted and often disappeared for days at a time.

I have a cough due to my asthma/copd that sometimes I just cannot get under control. I am not contagious but I know many people think that a cough means sickness and I get those looks at the grocery store when I have a spell.

Those tapes in my mind from the years 2008-2011 still play in my head and I have to remind myself daily that I am not with that person any longer and that no one controls me like he did.

I still have anxiety attacks before events. A few months ago, I had a speaking engagement and I was a basket case for the days leading up to it. But it went well and my message was well received. Sharing my story is therapy for me because each time I tell the story, I get stronger and stronger because I am still here!

I get anxiety attacks before any family get together. I know this doesn't make any sense, but for me, family events are very hard for me to deal with. I tell myself I have to show up and usually calm myself down after I get there and focus on one of the nieces or nephews or my grandsons.

I still get up every morning and drive to my day job and that commute is not easy on my nerves.

Living with daily fears is not easy but I will not let my past or current fears defeat me.
I am loved and cherished and have a purpose, otherwise I would not still be here.

You have a purpose, pray and ask God to show you what it is.
If you are in danger, get help! Call 1-800-799-7233