Friday, November 14, 2014

4 years later...

Have you ever been so down in your spirit and thoughts that you were virtually living in a 'pit of despair'?  I have and I can tell you it is a miserable place to be.

In 2006 my grandmother passed away and that was one event in my life that was part of a much bigger situation that threw me into a tailspin of depression, complete and utter sadness and so much that even my supervisor gently encouraged me to see help through our EAP system at the office. I was on medication, in counseling and still trying to pretend to the world that I had it 'all together'.

I still to this day fight depression, anxiety and sadness with varying levels of success.  Then 2010 hit me square in the face. So much happened that year and once it all balled up and sat in my lap, I couldn't take it or living anymore.

I walked out on a decent job, my husband was cheating on me even though I pretended not to notice. I was in such a state of despair that I was petrified to be alone or for him to leave me. So I chose to stay in the messed up marriage because I felt I had no where to go.

October of 2010 while on a weekend trip to Fall Creek Falls my then-husband would say that he expected that we would end up divorced eventually and that he hoped we could end the marriage peacefully and stay friends through out the process.  I was SHOCKED, hurt and inwardly freaking out.  If you look back at the photos from that trip we appear to be a happy couple on a fall camping trip. But pictures often lie.  I asked him on that trip what was his timeline when was he going to file papers and if he had even spoke to a lawyer.  He never answered those questions.. this is when the mental abuse was the worst, because it became a mind-game with him to control me and my moods and my actions through his opinions and when/if he was going to leave me.

We even attended church together and I now know that my pastors knew something was going on but because I only told the pastor's wife that we were having issues, they never really knew the whole story until it unfolded a few years later. I felt like a fake, a sham and at that point in my life I truly trusted no one.  I was embarrassed to tell my sisters and parents that I had failed again at marriage.

November of 2010 (4 years ago), I hit the lowest point ever and after another ugly fight when he announced that he was taking a friend home after work (I knew she and he were having an affair), I totally lost it and decided that morning that I couldn't take anymore.  I texted my kids and told them I loved them so much and I would always love them and to please remember that. I also texted a friend out of town and told her how much she meant to me.  I had tried to call my then-husband at work but he was refusing to speak to me (another mind-game). 

I got into the vehicle with my purse and his pistol took the safety off and had the gun to my head twice.  My kids were texting me and calling me and I would not speak to them, only texting at this point. I was crying and I just wanted the pain to go away. I truly wanted to end it all and that day thought that my kids would be better off with me gone (they were both grown and married - not living at home or even in the same city as I). I put the phone down and I had the gun to my temple and my finger on the trigger... then my phone rang and for some reason I answered that phone call.

I believe that God was reaching out to me the only way I would answer (and put the gun down).

I would find out later that my son called my husband at work telling him off and to go check on me and that 2 calls were put into the local police for a wellness check because friends and family at that point considered me suicidal.  So the police pulled up and by the time  I saw them come down our part of the apartment complex, I had stepped out of the car, phone in hand and calmly looked at them and said, "Are you looking for me?"

I refused to leave until my husband arrived, I wanted him to care enough to show up.  Despair and  complete sadness was controlling me not love and I was so afraid that he would not show up at all.

So we stood by the vehicle on a sunny November day waiting on him to arrive, then I got in the back of the police cruiser and would be transported to a mental health place for initial evaluation before I was placed in a Psychiatric ward in local hospital.

I would spend 7 days in that hospital surrounded by nurses, doctors, assistants and many other health care providers who showered me with love. The first 2 days I didn't eat much at all and it took at least 2-3 days for my meds to reset because they changed all my medication during that stay. I was blessed to have my Bible and other things during my stay. (My then-husband brought me a bag full of clothes, books, my c-pap machine and even my blanket.) During that hospital stay, I would have visitors and phone calls and even time to go to a chapel service. Other patients even ministered to me by telling me what God had done for them.

I was not healed by any means when I was discharged, but I was changed. My eyes were opened and I didn't know how I would make it but from that point in my life forward I knew I would eventually be single again and somehow I would get through it all.

Now, here I am 4 years out from the day I was released from the hospital and I can tell you I am so amazed and humbled at what God has done in my life.  He truly was not finished with me in 2010 nor is he done with me now.  If I had taken my life that day in 2010 these are just a few things I would have missed:
My grandson Kaden (born 12/3/2010)
My grandson Nikolai (born 8/10/2011)
My granddaughter Abby (born 11/14/11)
Seeing my son graduate from Basic at Ft. Benning, GA (March 2012)
Living in GA and getting to meet all my friends in Warner Robins (Emilee, Debbie, Sherry, Jamie, Natalie, Michele to name a few)
Returning to TN in 2012
Joining Covenant Church (Burns, TN)
Reuniting with family and friends in TN
Rebuilding my business
Having the courage to file for divorce and see it through and be on the other side of that journey as well (August 1, 2013 final)
Attending Leadership Conference 2014
and so many other things...

So today I am thankful to God Almighty that I am alive!!  I am thankful that my sisters, parents, children didn't turn their back on me in that horrible dark time in my life.

Recovering from all these things is not easy and it takes a lot of time, prayer and a tremendous amount of faith (that I didn't even know I was capable of).

There is always hope and I pray you realize that someone is always praying for you.  Reach out to others and be a blessing (and you will be blessed in return!!)