Tuesday, September 23, 2014

44

Today is my 44th birthday.  Humans love to measure things with those pesky numbers. I personally hate birthdays and holidays. Because in my mind you are suppose to measure your accomplishments but when I look back (with much depression around me these days) all I see is the failures over and over again.

The year I turned 25, I had a birthday dinner planned and had invited my friends over and it was going to be a nice dinner. Then my best friend at that time was hospitalized so everything was scrapped because I refused to have my party without him.  He even called from the hospital to tell me Happy Birthday.  So I packed up the kids and we went to the hospital to visit with him for a while that day.  I am thankful he is still alive and a 2 time cancer survivor as well. He will always be considered my big brother in my mind.

One year, someone tried to pull off a surprise party for me but my GS leader buddies couldn't keep the secret and I knew what was up and regarded the whole ugly thing as a lie and still feel that way about surprises. Because I feel that if you have to fib about something, then it is just not worth it. Lying is not something I will ever associate with happiness or joy.

Anyway..
I am 44 today and have a full time job with TWRA and own a business with PartyLite. My children are grown and have kids of their own. I deal with 'empty nest' syndrome some days and it is no fun at all.  I truly am thankful for what I have been blessed with and work hard each day to help others.

I have not accomplished any great feats in my life other than surviving and recovering from 2 abusive marriages and learning to be single again and that the word 'single' is not a dirty word.  I am still healing and I still have days/weeks that I hurt in my heart over many things in my life. I pray every day that my children never have to go through the pain and hurt that I survived.

I am here to educate and tell my story. But I refuse to be a "Pollyanna" and pretend everything is happy and picture perfect all the time. I am honest with myself enough to admit when I am not handling life well.  So please take care of yourselves and for me today, just say a prayer for wisdom, strength and courage because right now, today, I have no idea where my journey is headed and I am petrified.

Thank You!