Monday, September 29, 2014

Hatred is for the birds



This morning I was convicted that I need to let some things in my life go, I need to let go of hatred and forgive people in my life now and from my past.  I honestly do not wish any harm towards either of my ex-husbands anymore.  I am working on forgiving the most recent ex-husband and have to do this everyday. 

I flat out refuse to go to Hell because of my unforgiveness of him.  I wish things had not worked out the way they have but I also trust the Almighty God more than any man on this earth. God works everything together for his purpose and good.  He truly makes masterpieces out of our mess.

I am not strong enough or brave enough to email and speak to either of them but I know God knows my heart.

Today’s lesson at my church was about learning to live in the valley and the phrase “Where Jesus Goes with me, I will go”. That is going to be my constant partner and mantra this week. God is with us everyday in everyway. Nothing can hurt us and Trust God No matter what happens every day.

I want to have the abundant life promised in John 10:9-11

I promise today forward that I will do my dead level best to love more every day. Hatred poisons our heart and the person that hurt us may never even know they hurt us.

I will continue to protect myself and my children and grandchildren. I refuse to live in fear.  I have been a victim of fear, depression, and anxiety in the past and even every day. But God redeemed me and has promised in his word that He will cover me no matter what.

I am reminded of the courage of Daniel and how he refused to let the laws of the land keep him from daily prayers… wow. Makes me really wonder what I would have chosen in that same situation.

Be of good courage! You have something to offer!  Are you good at crafts, scrapbooking, cooking, decorating?  If it comes easy to you as breathing, then that is YOUR GIFT!! 

In the past I have been a Secretary, a Girl Scout Leader, A fundraiser coordinator and over the past 11 years, a PartyLite consultant. I love what I do with PartyLite. Giving away free candles is FUN. If you want to know more about Partylite, please let me know.

More importantly, I want you to be safe. I want every person reading this to know that there is hope in our Lord and Savior. He will take you in. He will show you the way.  Everyone has a choice. You just have to open your eyes and See it!!   It takes courage to take the untraveled road. 

One of my ex-husbands laughed at everything I attempted to do.. the other one, claimed to believe in me and want the best for me.  I don’t know to this day who was sincere or messing with me. But I know God has blessed the path I am on right now.

To God be the GLORY. For through him I am eternally blessed. He provides every need I have.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Cherished Moments

This morning about 5:15 when my alarm went off, I rolled over and hit the button on my cellphone to shut it off and then I heard little feet running down the hallway outside my room.

That meant only one thing -- my grandson Nikolai was awake and looking for his mom (who had already left for work). So I get up and go pick him up and both of us are half asleep and half awake and I got those cherished early morning hugs from a 3 year old.

As I sat on the bed with him wrapped in his blanket I cuddled him and rocked and then I started to cry.  I didn't cry for anyone here in Tennessee. I cried for my grandchildren in Utah that I am unable to see because of geography.  I cried for the times when my two children were small enough that a hug from mom could make everything perfect.

Then I wiped away my tears hugged Nikolai one more time and handed him to my mom (AKA Nana) so I could get ready for work.

Hug the ones close to you and reach out to those far away. Let them know you care!

So this morning I am sending hugs to Kaden & Abby this morning from Mimi. I miss you so much!!

Take care of yourself and if you need assistance, check out your local YWCA or call 1-800-799-7233 (domestic violence hotline).

I have started a facebook group if you want to join me there: https://www.facebook.com/groups/781826251860083/

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

44

Today is my 44th birthday.  Humans love to measure things with those pesky numbers. I personally hate birthdays and holidays. Because in my mind you are suppose to measure your accomplishments but when I look back (with much depression around me these days) all I see is the failures over and over again.

The year I turned 25, I had a birthday dinner planned and had invited my friends over and it was going to be a nice dinner. Then my best friend at that time was hospitalized so everything was scrapped because I refused to have my party without him.  He even called from the hospital to tell me Happy Birthday.  So I packed up the kids and we went to the hospital to visit with him for a while that day.  I am thankful he is still alive and a 2 time cancer survivor as well. He will always be considered my big brother in my mind.

One year, someone tried to pull off a surprise party for me but my GS leader buddies couldn't keep the secret and I knew what was up and regarded the whole ugly thing as a lie and still feel that way about surprises. Because I feel that if you have to fib about something, then it is just not worth it. Lying is not something I will ever associate with happiness or joy.

Anyway..
I am 44 today and have a full time job with TWRA and own a business with PartyLite. My children are grown and have kids of their own. I deal with 'empty nest' syndrome some days and it is no fun at all.  I truly am thankful for what I have been blessed with and work hard each day to help others.

I have not accomplished any great feats in my life other than surviving and recovering from 2 abusive marriages and learning to be single again and that the word 'single' is not a dirty word.  I am still healing and I still have days/weeks that I hurt in my heart over many things in my life. I pray every day that my children never have to go through the pain and hurt that I survived.

I am here to educate and tell my story. But I refuse to be a "Pollyanna" and pretend everything is happy and picture perfect all the time. I am honest with myself enough to admit when I am not handling life well.  So please take care of yourselves and for me today, just say a prayer for wisdom, strength and courage because right now, today, I have no idea where my journey is headed and I am petrified.

Thank You!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Picture Perfect: Don't fall for it!

Do you keep a 'face' on for the public and even some of your closest friends so they won't know what is truly going on?

Do you go through the motions of day to day even though you are crying inside and feel so alone that you think you have no one you can share your biggest fears/frustrations with?

I have been there.  The last 2 1/2 years of my most recent marriage were such a farce that few knew the truth until I blurted it out at Pampered Chef party in my home February of 2011. Even my daughter who was living with me part of that time didn't know how bad things were until she found me crying one night after a late shift.

I was ashamed of the things my husband was doing behind my back and didn't want to tell anyone. My son was across the country and I kept most of it from him until the situation got completely unbearable.

Now I realize that my fear and shame for what the husband was doing to our marriage/relationship was my way of coping with it. But all I really did was cover for him and he did NOT deserve that one bit.  He was cheating on me, hiding money from the family budget and verbally and emotionally abusive during most of the years we were married but he got really nasty and hurtful at the end of the relationship.

I know several people who thrive on what others in the community and church think of them.

If you don't share your brutal, ugly reality that you are living with, how on earth do you expect to get help or expect others to pray for your situation if you don't tell them you are struggling?

I have learned this lesson over and over and most recently through things my son is going through and other family members health concerns as well.  I was keeping myself as a barrier between them all and that wall broke on Saturday night when I truly opened up with both sides that I thought I was protecting.

I still hate to hear people complain, but it is ok to confide in a friend or few friends when you need some guidance.  Go to your knees in prayer first before posting on facebook about your troubles. God is bigger than all our circumstances and he is not ruled by them at all.

Be honest and be real and those that truly are in your circle will appreciate it. No one believes a perfect picture and they respect the honesty.

Take care of yourself, enjoy these fall days ahead and always seek help if you need it. Share this number with your friends 1-800-799-7233 so they can get the help they need too!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Saying No

I don't know about you but everywhere I turn, I seem to be invited to join a team, support a cause or bring a dish to some event/cause that I may or may not be even interested in.

This makes me weary because I want to help others but at the same time I must choose to take care of my own finances and business the way I feel God wants me to.

So, in the past 6 months I have left three networking groups and one fundraising group because I simply don't have the energy or the 'want to' to be there or to be a part of the group anymore.  I refuse to hear and accept the whining and begging.

None of the causes are bad but I choose prayerfully where I spend my money and my time.

I recently was invited to be a part of a vendor event but when I read the fine print the proceeds went to a political group supporting something that I didn't exactly care for.  So I opted out and told others why I chose to not do that event.

It does matter who you spend your time and money with/for.  Do your research and trust me, It is OK to say no to potlucks, office dinners or gatherings that you are not comfortable with.  If you have a check in your spirit that has you re-thinking something, trust it and pray about it. 

There is freedom in saying no and you just might find time to go enjoy the park with your grandson in the meantime. Be at peace always and keep yourself in prayer so you know what God wants you to do.

Take care of yourself and love yourself !!  Because God Loves you!!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Weariness - Don't let it win!

I have days and sometimes weeks where I am so exhausted mentally and physically that I don't know how I get up and go the next morning.

I have fought depression for many years and these days I keep it at bay most of the time.

While I don't have clear cut answers for why I am weary, I know how to fight it off most days.

Some ways I fight the 'weariness' are:
1) Listen to Christian Praise and Worship Music
2) Call a friend who will lift me up and not tear me down
3) Go outside and sit and look at natural beauty
4) Read my Bible
5) Read inspirational books
6) Pray
7) Retreat to my room and take a nap

This is not a finished list by any means but this what helps me.

When we put God First and work hard every day, every day is a true blessing. But everyone has moments and/or days that they are just flat out tired and need a break.

Be good to yourself, listen to your body and take care of yourself. Because if you don't take care of yourself, how can you take care of others???

Be a blessing every day in some way!
and Fight the Weariness!!

If you are in danger call 911!
Domestic Violence happens every 9 minutes in the USA, Don't be a victim, Ask for help!
1-800-799-7233