Friday, June 27, 2014

Growth in the midst of Confusion

I believe that growth can happen every day if we choose to see the daily opportunities.  Even my day at the dentist was a chance for me to learn to trust another human being with my welfare and trust that this person had my best interest at heart and not just a piece of my paycheck.

I will be the first to admit I have tons of trust issues both in my business, my work and my personal life. I have been hurt in more ways than I could list. 

The one year anniversary date of my divorce being final is just around the corner and as I mark time, I wonder if I will ever truly be able to trust another man on this earth the way I initially trusted both of my ex-husbands.

I struggle to see anyone that I meet or that I am introduced to as an honest person because I have been so deeply hurt.  While I work daily to continually forgive and move forward, I have to struggle to take people at their word in every single situation. My normal reaction is to listen to them and then get into my car and tell myself not to expect too much.

None of us knows for sure where we will be 6 months from now, much less a year from now.

What I do know is that I am in complete control of what I do and say and I have made a promise to myself that I will not intentionally hurt another person with my words or actions.

Right now I am in a 'mode' of protecting myself and my family as much as possible. I rarely let anyone inside the circle these days. I am evaluating everyone in my circle of friends/acquaintances constantly to be sure that they are not a threat to how I want to live my life.

We must daily choose God over man and this goes for our friends, acquaintances, business partners and anyone we choose to spend our valuable time with. God gave us 24 hours and we must use those 24 hours for his glory or all the time is wasted.

I stand here confused and amazed at the same time. I see God's majesty in the clouds and and the beauty of the trees and nature all around us. I trust that my God is in control of it all and yet I still do not understand my purpose for still being on this earth. I feel my usefulness is gone.

I pray you have your eyes open to the ways to grow around you every day and I pray for your continued safety. Please call 911 for immediate danger and 1-800-799-7233 to get help from the domestic violence hotline. No one has the right to hurt you!


Thursday, June 26, 2014

A day in my life

Lately I have been so focused on meeting sales goals that I have neglected the part of my life called living and enjoying the moment. I am tired, I am weak, I am worn out!

I have been having tooth pain for almost 6 weeks and finally went into the dentist yesterday to get the tooth checked out. I went in there praying they would just take the tooth and let me leave. I am really bad about not going to the doctor until the pain is so bad I cannot handle it any more and the same goes for my teeth. 

I was not afraid of the shot of novacaine or even the pain while the tooth was being pulled, I was afraid of the cost. I went 2-3 years without dental insurance and almost a year without health insurance and survived through it all.

So, yesterday I go in there, meet the dentist and tell him what was going on.  I fully admitted that I had not been to a dentist in a long while. They did x-rays of all my teeth and the dentist gave me all my options. It was very refreshing to have a doctor (of any kind) list out my options and let me make the decision.

I still opted to have the troublesome tooth pulled and today I am in a lot of pain still. But I know that particular tooth is gone and this pain will go away with time and pain medication.

Thankfully, my dental insurance covered nearly all the cost of the extraction yesterday and I now have a dentist I can trust and I will be going back to take care of myself in the future months.  YAY me for choosing to take care of myself for a change.

Then, I get a comment from my ex husband on social media last night.. Oh, Boy, that upset me but I blocked him and warned others that he was on yet another social media site. 

All I want to do is move forward. The divorce was final 8/1/13 and I just don't understand why he continues to contact me. I have nothing to say to him and wish he would just leave me and my kids alone. (My kids are from my first marriage and both my kids do speak to their biological father from time to time.)

So, I made a huge triumph yesterday by facing a fear and then I got blindsided by the ex last night.. Today I am still here and still moving forward, but shaking my head at things I just don't understand.

Some days it is very hard to move forward and today I am refusing to beat myself up for my past because God has already forgiven me and I have to move on to make a difference and help others.

Keep moving forward no matter what your family, friends, enemies say!!
Get in the Word every day - This is your meat and potatoes for the daily struggle! Don't depend on devotionals alone - they are merely your vitamins and man cannot live on vitamins and do any real good for the Kingdom of God.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 - For help and options for your domestic situation, please call 1-800-799-7233.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Trust

You might think "Trust" is an odd topic for me but please read on and let me explain.

I have chosen to trust God in all things.

I didn't always go to him first. In fact, for a long portion of of 2nd marriage, I mistakenly put my husband first in all things. I regret that completely and currently work really hard to forgive myself for that mistake in my marriage and what it cost me emotionally and how it affected my children.

These past few months I have watched from afar while my son goes through a terrible ordeal and instead of gabbing about it on social media, I went to my church, a few close friends and my family asking for their prayers for my son and my grandkids in this situation. I personally may think that TN and Colorado are very far apart but my pastor has told me time and again that our God is a mighty God and is everywhere. 

I am a fixer in my nature and wish I could fix the situation, but I know only those involved can make the decisions best for them. So I pray every minute of every day for peace, wisdom, discernment and for God to take control of the situation (every tiny decision) and with every triumph, I give God the glory for what he has protected and done so far in this situation.

I know deep down in my own soul, that God guided my steps through the end of my marriage and divorce just last summer, therefore, I know that God has this all under his ultimate control.

For the past 2-3 months at church we have been studying Ephesians 6 and focused lately on the Full Armor of God. 

So today, I leave you with Ephesians 6:12 - For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. (KJV)

Trust God and go to God First instead of griping on facebook or twitter. As the saying goes, Go to the throne instead of the phone.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 - For help and options for your domestic situation, please call 1-800-799-7233. 

Friday, June 13, 2014

Line in the Sand

We all have goals for our kids, our jobs, and personal goals too.

There are times you have a great idea and few people to join with you in that great idea and you work your selves silly to make something happen and then it flops. You get up and try again and then it flops again. Then for me, the analyzing comes into play and I tend to over-analyze nearly everything I come in contact with.

At what point do you draw that proverbial 'line in the sand' and say "If you cross this line, we are done for good"?  I drew that line in the sand in regards to my marriage and my constant efforts to be the 'good wife' and keep the marriage together knowing full well that my spouse at the time had already checked out on our marriage and was biding his time until I had enough.  That day was May 18, 2012 when x2 moved out of our apartment in GA and left the marriage for good.  It was a day that shook me to my core but I had co-workers at Sears that got me through it and friends in TN/GA that were always there to listen and send prayers on my behalf even if they did not know specifically what was going on at the time.

I say all this today because I have complete peace today about what has happened in my past and the choices I have made thus far.

I have other things in my life right now where choices have to be made to stay or go or even to keep striving on certain goals that are wearing me down emotionally, mentally and physically these days.

Just know that choosing God and his peace ultimately will make all the difference in your decision making.  There are things I must let go of and I am trusting God to make it all clear as crystal in my decision making ahead.

Start small if you must because it takes practice and trust in your own judgement with God's guidance to walk away even from the smallest things in your life.  No decision is too small to take to God in prayer.

The Bible says, "Pray without ceasing." (1 Thessalonians 5:17 KJV)

Praying for you readers and please pray for me and my family right now as well. Thank you!
If you are in a difficult domestic situation, please call the hotline 1-800-799-7233 to get assistance. There are people in place to help you!

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Alone

Merriam-Webster defines the word "alone" 3 ways:
: without anyone or anything else : not involving or including anyone or anything else : separate from other people or things
: without people that you know or that usually are with you
: feeling unhappy because of being separated from other people

Lately, I totally feel completely alone. The divorce has been 'on the books' for almost a year & I just celebrated a year at my accounts payable job yesterday. I live with my parents and my daughter right now yet every day I feel utterly and completely alone.

I deal with these feelings by putting on Christian music in the car on my 45 minute one-way commute and that perks me up for a great day and a great attitude. I put on a smile as much as possible no matter who or what event might have made me sad or struck me down recently. I try to make time every day to read my Bible and participate in our church's 365 challenge to read the Bible through in a year's time. I have positive statements and Bible verses posted all over my cubicle amidst the pictures of my grown children and their children. 

I am not perfect in my thoughts or actions and I blow up about stuff that makes me mad when I see things done unfairly or people just being mean every day. I chose last year to quit watching the news and that has helped my mood tremendously because I don't get caught up in the journalism and media spin on every crook and story on the newscast. 

I say all this to be brutally honest and clear to my readers about what I deal with every day behind the laptop. I write my life story and current events to help others and show others that if this sinner can overcome her obstacles of depression, anxiety, fear and grow a thriving candle business along the way, You can overcome whatever you are facing. Some days you will take baby steps, some days you will stumble and fall, but getting back up and staying on your path is the true definition of your character (not how many times you fell or disappointed someone). 

If you follow what I write, please contact me and let me know. I hope it blesses you in some way to know that you are not alone even though it appears that way.  God is always with us, God never moves away and is always there holding us. 

Please remember 1-800-799-7233 is the hotline for help if you need a way out of a dangerous situation. Praying for your safety always and know there are many of us on the other side who have survived what you are going through - just reach out.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Jobs

Most people define themselves by the job or position they hold in the corporate world. What I learned in 2008 when I lost my job was that I am not my job and my life is so much more than the 8-4:30 life I led for 16 years.

Losing that job shattered me and I was already dealing with depression, anxiety, oppression and separation in my mind and home life. So, after I lost that job, I became a prisoner in my own home and it was a rough time for me personally.  I chose to still do as much as I could for my family from home, but I rarely left the house and came very close to giving up my direct sales business in those times as well.

I only left the house to take my son to school and visit the coffee shop to get out of the house once a day. The coffee shop was a lifesaver and helped me take online classes in 2009 for a while as well.

What I learned in the 18 months that I did not hold a job outside the home was that people are not defined by their jobs and the status that job provides. 

Since that time, I have worked for AAA Auto Club, TN VA, Sears (in GA),  a gas station, a bookstore and Home Depot before joining the TWRA family working as an accounts payable clerk.  My life has taken many turns over the years but I am still here and working hard to help others no matter what life has thrown my way.

Your Job does not equal your life and if it does, something is really wrong with your value system. Yes, we must have an income to get along in this world, but please don't ever put that job ahead of your family, your faith or your sanity.

Please call 911 if you are in direct danger and call 1-800-799-7233 for options and places to get assistance and get to a safe place.