Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Everyday Fears

On the outside I appear like a normal functioning person at work and when I am out in public. But I have a secret to share, I have lots of fears everyday that constantly nag at me like a very annoying mosquito while I am sleeping.

What am I afraid of today?
I startle when I see Red Pickup Trucks until I realize it is not a Dodge Ram Pickup.
I still do double-takes when I see an old white Plymouth Satellite driving by or parked in a driveway.
I avoid certain fast-food restaurants because I don't want to run in to his old girlfriends or co-workers.
I avoid certain gas stations to avoid other friends of his that I do not wish to have contact with.
I have him and his friends/contacts all blocked on social media so they cannot see me and so I am not forced to see what they are doing or hanging out with.
I am afraid people from 12 years ago will recognize me and ask about him because we looked so happy together.

What have I been afraid of all my life?
I have always been afraid of being left out or being made fun of.
I am afraid I didn't do enough to raise my children the right way as a single parent.
While I miss lots of people that are no longer here, I wonder who will miss me when I am gone.
I am afraid to be nice to people because they may turn on me or use my good intentions.
I was afraid to tell people that my dad is a minister and how proud of him I am.

I was the geeky kid with glasses from 3rd grade that didn't fit in. When we had to fill out that paper in 5th grade telling what our parents did for a living (for a career unit) I made the mistake of listing the department my father worked for (Mental Health and Mental Retardation) and for a year or two was told that my parents felt sorry for me and adopted me from a mental hospital. It was hurtful and constant daily verbal bullying that I put up with because my parents told me it wasn't true and just ignore it.

In junior high, I only had a small circle of friends that truly knew me well enough to know my sister's names and just how ill my grandfather was. When my grandfather passed in 1984, it was my first time dealing with death of a relative. I sat and cried in PE class for apparently no reason the last 3 weeks my grandfather lived. We spent the weekdays at school and my weekends were in Lewisburg staying with my aunt and uncle so mom could be there with her dad. I qualified for a Math competition at the local college but because of family illness and my grandfather's funeral, I did not get to attend that year. I am glad I chose family that time over school and accomplishments.

I was a relatively smart student and kept A/B honor roll most of the years in Junior High and Senior High. I was constantly compared to others and told why couldn't I be like them and this constant verbal message has followed me to where I am today. I have been told I will never be good enough and sometimes on some issues, I just quit trying.

Then we have the verbal, mental and physical abuse from the now ex1 and ex2. I have a lot of fears but I also have a lot to stand up and shout about. My God has delivered me from depression, oppression and all the verbal and mental abuse of my past. My God has never left my side and even when I was crying myself to sleep last month, He was right there wiping my eyes and holding me.

I share all of this with you to say that if God can love this broken 43 year old mom and grandmother in spite of all her faults and constant 'messing up', then I can assure you that God loves you and stands ready to hug you when you come to him. It doesn't matter if you walk, run or crawl, but go to Him and He will give you rest.  When I lay all my troubles, worries, fears and mess at his feet, I feel so much lighter and relieved.

I am praying for all who read my articles and hope you will choose God over the world and trust God to carry you through anything you face. If you are in a dangerous situation, there is help! Call the Domestic Violence Hotline today 1-800-799-7233.