Monday, March 17, 2014

Loving from afar

I know now that many people watched me chase and beg my husband to straighten up and come home and he never did. I say that with tears on my face cause I can see it playing in my head like a hallmark movie now that years have passed. I am slowly seeing just what I did trying to hold on to my marriage when x2 had already checked out.

So I sat on the front porch at night and prayed him home and just wanted him safe and I worshipped my husband instead of my Lord.

I also called a few Christian friends out of state during the years in White Bluff and asked for them to just talk me through what to do and listen.  All three of them listened and all three of them told me to pray.  L in Ohio, C in Illinois and T in Oklahoma I will always be thankful for your listening ears during those very difficult times.

I thought that  x2 was the only one that would love me anymore and didn't see God in the equation. I perceived myself as trash and leftovers... that no one would want.

Then one night when he had disappeared again my daughter (about 21 years old) looked at me crying and upset because I didn't know where he was and simply said, "Mom you can leave him and you will be okay without him. You don't need him if he is putting you through this".  I remember looking at her and wondering if I truly heard what my daughter had said.  I answered her by saying, "I don't know how to go on without him". This conversation happened in February/March of 2011 as best as I can recall. 

Admitting that the marriage was in shambles to my pastor was difficult to do and caused many arguments at home because it embarrassed my husband at the time to not be seen in the right light. I didn't stay in contact with a lot of people during these rough times and it took many months/years for me to admit just what all had happened until recently. 

I was wrong to put my ex-husband on a pedestal that he did not deserve. I was wrong to avoid my friends and fall off the face of the earth. I was ashamed that my husband was constantly cheating on me with many co-workers and even my best friend over the course of our marriage. 

My divorce was final August 1, 2013 and most days I feel freedom to do what I want. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Lord and Savior walked every step, wept with me and stayed up with me when I couldn't sleep.  

Please remember to reach for the LORD before you reach for a spouse or even a friend.  Because the LORD will not let you down, forsake you or forget to call you back. I know how hard the journey is to leave an abusive spouse and I am still standing by the grace of God. 

You are not alone and people are caring about you even if you don't see it or realize it. I found out last year just who was praying me through the bad years and I never asked them to pray for me. But I know that God put it on their heart.  Thank you all who loved me from afar!

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. The domestic violence Hotline is 1−800−799−7233.